May 2024

I've always said I loved that Judson was a May Day baby.  It seems like the perfect day to have a birthday. 

I'm grateful I got to be his mom; I would not have missed that for the world. 

Peonies from the back yard.  Mary Sue, the original gardener at this house, planted these. They're much earlier than other varieties that I've had in the past. 

We went to Jubilee Farm to walk the labyrinth.  It was beautiful, perfect weather. 

Mark has made the cutest garden space: 4 tomato plants, some hot peppers, basil, dill. Skye is going to be so mad that she can't get to the green tomatoes this year!

May 2023 Report

 We got to visit with this Oceanna girl before they went back to New York for the summer.  She is a sweetheart!  She liked my keto donuts, which you know made my heart happy. And she's an artist for sure.  She later painted her horse "blankets" to keep them warm.

We went to Paunch Creek and left some of Judson's ashes with Clayton's.  It's a beautiful spot.

Oceanna is 3!

Three years old!  And an artist already :)

We love her skirt!

One of the latest to go to Petals.

We wrapped presents today.  This might be the earliest I've ever wrapped! It's usually Christmas Eve before I get myself to do it.

Found this little tag from Judson and Rachel in among the wrapping paper <3

 

May Day Birthday 2022

 This is a little video that Billie, one of Rachel's relatives sent to me.  She took it at Judson's birthday party in 2018, a few months before he left for the other side.  I love the little side hug that he gave me when I got there, I love seeing Kyle watching over the box-opening, I love hearing Rachel's laugh and the sounds of an everyday moment back when we thought that those moments would keep happening year after year.

I have so many thoughts as I watch this.  Why didn't I savor that hug longer?  Why didn't I get to his party earlier to be with him longer?  Did we have another hug before I left that day?  I'm thankful we had that day, thankful that we have this video now.  I'm so thankful that I got to be his mom and that's he's with me every day somehow still connected.  

From that same birthday party

Any and all forms of separation, disconnects, divides, partings, breakups, and

goodbyes, Kynda, are temporary. Very. You'll be together far, far longer 

than you will ever be apart. 

Notes from the Universe

and now it's three years. . .

I'm thankful I got to be Judson's mom.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason; that all things work together for good in the long run; and that no matter what, we'll all be okay.  Of course, some days are easier than others, right?

 
 

Remembering Judson

Judson's stone at Chatham Memorial Cemetery.  

Mark Estrop's words for us as we gathered at the cemetery this week:

King David, the primary writer of Psalms, is mainly remembered as the greatest king of Israel.  He was a national hero--the kid who took out the giant Goliath, restored dignity to the capitol Jerusalem, and he  was a man after God's heart.

But the Bible also tells of a man who suffered anguish and pain--just like the rest of us.  Not even kings are exempt from the troubles and tribulations of life.  He, too, felt the heartbreak of the loss of a son, one an infant and one an adult.

Whenever the world collapsed on David, he returned  to God to find his way, as he sought comfort and restoration.

David wrote the Psalms, not out of theory or orthodox theology--he wrote out of his own experience.  When he wrote in Psalm 34 that "the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" he knew first-hand how it felt to be brokenhearted and crushed.

When he wrote in Psalm 147, "He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds", he also had experienced the power of healing.  But that healing was not a quick process.  There are 113 Psalms between the two.  It took time before he could feel the healing of his broken heart.

We still feel that pain in our hearts today, even in the midst of our healing.

At Judson's memorial service I stated that we cannot judge a person by one act or one day.  That is true for all of us--we wouldn't want to be judged by one act or one day.  It is the complete volume of a person's life that brings meaning to that life.  Memories of the good days should balance the negative days.  So, I ask, if you wish to share, what is your best memory of Judson?  What do you remember best about his life?  For you who knew him best--what would you like to share?

Betty shared her memory of then-teenager Rachel first telling her, "Mom, I met a nice boy".  

My best memories of Judson are when he introduced us to Betsy and Kyle at their births--definitely highlights of my life.  I'm so grateful to have been his mom.  He tells me all the time, "Look up, mom".  Looking up  helps me feel better in those moments, a little closer to him and I am thankful.

The New Testament is a book of Hope.  The Apostle Paul wrote these immortal words:  "Who shall separate from the love of Christ?  Could oppression or anguish or persecution, or famine or nakedness, or peril or violent death?  No--in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who Loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels or principalities, nor things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height or depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from God's love which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Contrary to what some believe, St Paul makes it abundantly clear that nothing, zip, nada in all creation can separate us from the love of God.  I don't know about you, but that is good enough for me.

We leave not in despair but in hope and in faith--that we will all be transformed in the twinkling of an eye on that day when we will see the face of God, clearly, no longer through a dim mirror.  We will be reunited in that great love of God in a place that has been prepared for us, a new place where there is no more pain, crying, tears of death--because everything will have been made new.

Now may the God who has dominion even over death, bring you peace, that passes our own understanding and comprehension.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid for God is with you--and Judson.  The love of God cannot be compromised by death or anything else.  And that is the Good News.  Let us leave in peace and with healing in our lives.  Amen. 

The graphic on the stone is from Judson's tattoo.  He traveled all the way to Nashville to have it done and he put a lot of thought into it, so it's meaningful to us too.  He had the three shooting stars included to represent Rachel and Betsy and Kyle in his world.

Chris left the guitar pick for him.  And we left one of Isaac's fire agates there too.  We remember Judson every day all the time.  I'm glad we have a special place nearby where we can go to remember him too.  And later, we will take another part of his ashes  to Rock Creek, one his very favorite places on earth.  We miss you sweet Judson, so much.  You are so very loved.  

May 1st

May 1, Judson's birthday.  I always loved that he was a May Day baby, such a nice day to have for a birthday.  We miss him so much.

Betsy & Kyle came over to hang out with us.  We made a chocolate cake, keto-style, complete with sprinkles.  

We went to meet our newest golden, Murphy.  He isn't old enough to leave his mama yet, but he'll be coming home May 22nd.  We can't wait for more golden love.

I found this picture of Judson back when he was about Kyle's age.  He looks so happy here.  Those beautiful eyes and the freckles make me smile.

Our Isaac and Jen and little Oceanna are coming to visit soon, so watch this space for those pictures too!

I can't wait to show Oceanna the garden :)

 Isaac with his thunderegg discovery.  Wow, that's a big one!

 

 The pictures of Oceanna are so precious!  She's a cutie and it looks like they are having so much fun together. 

 Mark fishes in the pond and Skye watches him from the fence.  Mama asked me why she doesn't get to go fishing too, but she would be in the pond if we let her out there!

 "Our goal is to remember with more love than pain, at our own time, in our own way, and at our own pace" David Kessler

Judson's birthday on the 1st of May.  I always loved that his birthdate was May Day. It  seems the days leading up to special days like this are harder than the actual date itself.  We miss him something awful, but we're so glad we were given the gift of his life.

I wanted to make a three-layer cake just to have something special for his birthday.  It was small, six inch layers, and it was pretty for a minute. But there was an incident and only the top layer survived!  Actually, I think it turned out better than planned and it made me laugh.  Who needed those bottom layers anyway?!?   I finally wore my sweatshirt that says "mom, I'm fine."  I can just hear him saying that to me. . . 

 The top layer--with lots of coconut and pecans :-)

Look how she's growing!

I swore these iris weren't going to get to stay in the garden. But now that they've bloomed, I think they will get to stay.  I dread the weeding, but they're so pretty! 

Our neighbor John took this photo of sunset at the park. Our house is a few houses further down into  the park and we have a good view of those beautiful sunsets.

Angel of Hope

My sweet friend Pam had Judson's name put on the Angel of Hope wall at Washington Park.  It was a beautiful candlelit ceremony with a few songs, prayers, and a reading of the names of those remembered.  It was a little chilly, but actually good weather for the season. It was sad, but so touching and we loved it.   We were glad to have Rachel with us too.

Pam knew how special this would be to us;
her daughter Emily's name is also on the wall.

 

 My picture of Judson's name on the plaque is blurry here, I'll have to take another one. So many names there, it's hard to believe so many have lost children.  But I know that Judson is okay now, that he's still with us and watching over us, and waiting til we all get to join him on the other side. 

A excerpt of a post from a facebook group for grieving parents:

 ". . . I shifted my focus (to) the fact that my precious son is blissfully happy and loved beyond comprehension. Every day. I stopped thinking about me and started thinking about him, and only him, and where he is now. I focused on the fact that I too will be with him one day forever. . ."  

I am so grateful to other parents who are sharing what they are going through and how they are coping--including my friend, Pam.

October Report

 We made it through the first anniversary of Judson's passing.  We miss him terribly, but we are thankful that we had him as long as we did and that we have Betsy and Kyle and Rachel here with us to love.

 And Tami has been gone a whole year too.   I wish she had been here to help me thru this last year, but still I talk to her everyday and I know she's been by my side. 

I love this picure of Isaac.  He's in the middle of finding something to mine in that wall behind him so he's in his element here and looks so happy. 

My mama shot through her cardiac valve replacement surgery like a rock star.  It was amazing to be with her and with PJ to celebrate how well it went!

We got to go to Mrs Grae's greenhouse again :)

We planted this Winter Orange Japanese Maple in the back yard.  It just glows with the late afternoon sun.

May Report

Remembering Judson every day, but especially on his May 1st birthday.  It was beautiful weather this year and the dogwoods were blooming exactly as I remember them when he was born.

 

The yard is as pretty as I've ever seen it. 

The front door garden, red hibiscus, yellow petunia and portulaca, and crotons for this early spring.

We had a lovely trip to Kentucky Lake, lots of fishing for Mark. 

I had never seen other birds at hummingbird feeders, but the orioles loved these.  We also got to watch a little bluebird pair coming and going, although they didn't seem interested in the sugar water.

Sunset from the boat.

Isaac and Jennifer are out in California where they are enjoying beautiful scenery too.